Incubators and Psychopomps (Non Mai Hime/Otome work)

I've been working at an idea I have had since I started watching Madoka and researching magical girl a little more. From what I've been able to write so far, people have generally given me positive feedback but I like to get a different opinion via you guys if you don't mind. Here's the first part of what I got done so far.

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There in the corner of the classroom where the chairs are stacked lies a introverted girl named Homu. Homu was a regular five year old girl, one with modest beauty that comes with most girls her age. Like most kids her inner most desire was simple: to have a friend.

"It's not as simple as I thought." (Homu)

There is one trait, one quality that separated her from most kids, her eyes were abnormally wide. A lot kids had large eyes at the school but her eyes covered quite a bit of her face, reaching across to her nose. I find it endearing, but those children ignorant to their prejudice at first sight isolated Homu. "Retard, frog, creepy, loser" Countless trite insults poured from her peers mouths, to respond back was to incite a more violent past. Even with the outcasts she found no pity or companioship. For apparently even the little kid with a mouth object fascination found Homu strange.

So there sat Homu down on her luck. The first two months of her kindergarten year pure lonely melancholy. This is where I came into the picture, since for me this child offer possibilities, rewards that her involvement would reveal. I would also say that I had a rare soft spot for this outcast of outcasts that was never directed at another soul.

Appearing before Homu from the dust in the classroom where the setting sun made the chairs into grotesque shadows I made my entrance.

"Hello Homu"

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All I have at the moment, criticize as harshly as you can.

She's ten in kindergarten???

.............I am such a moron, thanks for pointing that out because for some reason I didn't see that fallacy myself. :( :( :( :( /me hides in a corner

Another random piece, this is an intro for the story.

For a clockwork god, the reality that was created by his hands so long ago became dull before he realized it. Little went on, nothing was ever resolved, contrived theories were the answer to the fundamental questions the people must face.

However, the god thought, perhaps setting the world into motion would actually motivate the sheep to actually to flock beyond themselves . He would need a partner to achieve his goal though, and with a certain individual he believed she had the stuff to do it.

“Soon this world will be forgotten and with that a new hell shall be in play!”

And with that, the desire for change would set the world stage.

Incubators ⏏ Psychopomps