[ShizNat] Let Me Lie To Myself

Hi hi! Ookamidesu here! Or dye. Whichever you know me as.
I bring to you a short and angst-filled Shiznat ficlet.
Please check me out on fanfiction.net: www.fanfiction.net/~ookamidesu

Written from Shizuru's POV, first person.

==================================================================================

Let me lie to myself. Let me believe that I am okay. Let me force the pain back into the deep chasms of my mind, so that I can live another day with a smile upon my lips.

I am not so naive to think that anyone cares enough to look any deeper than what I show on the surface. I am not five anymore. I know that promises are just worthless lies. I'm quite aware of how this world works. Painfully so, in fact.

People only care when it is convenient to care. They only care when there is something to gain. They only look when they have to. They only reach out when it doesn’t take too much effort. People are very cruel creatures.

But you, my most precious person, you are the cruelest one I have ever, ever come across.

You spoke those words so easily. They left your lips like silk. So soft and comfortable. Everything I wanted to hear. And then you reached forward to give me a tender kiss before we were disintegrated into nothingness. That moment has been forever ingrained into my mind. The way you spoke so softly. The way your lips trembled slightly as they touched mine. The way you held me close in what we thought would be our last moments together.

Do you remember what you said? You said that I was also your most precious person. That you were happy I loved you. That you loved me too.

So what happened, Natsuki?

I love you... but I am not in love with you. I know in my heart that I am not the one for you and you are not the one for me.

When did I become so worthless in your eyes? When did I become just another person to you? When was I degraded to a quick nod of dismissal?

Natsuki, you were the only person that I showed the real me to. I didn’t wear a mask around you. I didn’t have to. You liked me and stayed with me despite my flaws. I did not need to project a persona of the perfect student council president to you. When I was around you, I was Fujino Shizuru. And that was it. No more. No less. No different.

I’m sorry, Shizuru...

Because sorry can stop the pain from clawing at my chest? Because sorry can stop the tears from falling at night? Because sorry can stop me from realizing that I have no one left?

Do you know what it’s like to be given something, and then have it ripped out of your hands? Do you know how much more it hurts when that is the only thing keeping your sanity in check?

I was fine before I met you. I didn’t need anyone and I was content with that. I have always carried my burdens alone. And then you came along and changed all of that.

You gave me hope. You gave me friendship. You gave me everything I needed with just your presence. I wasn’t just content, I was happy. I was actually happy. And so, I began to allow myself to rely on you. I looked to you for conversation, for comfort, for love. And you provided it all.

And then, just like that, you took it away. You took it all away.

And you leave me empty.

I’m sorry, Shizuru. You were there for me at a time I needed most, but I don’t need that anymore.

So that’s it? I was there for you at a time you needed most, but now that you don’t me, you’re just going to throw me away? Was I just some fuckin' toy to you? Or perhaps I was just a pillow for you. A pillow that you threw aside once you were done crying.

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, I am a person? Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I have feelings?

You should know better, Natsuki. You should know that a smile on my lips does not imply that I am happy, or even okay, in the least. You should know that even in the roughest of times, I never complain or whine or seek to speak of my feelings. You should know that when I am hurt, I try to talk to you. You should know that your voice is the only thing that can calm me, regardless of what negative emotion I am feeling.

And yet, you still abandon me. You were my last hope. You were that last thread of sanity that was holding me together. And even knowing that, you still chose to leave.

Please don’t rely on me anymore. I can’t be there for you...

You didn’t just leave me empty, my love. You left me dead.

And now, the only thing I can do to not fall apart is to lie to myself.

Everyday, I tell myself that I am okay. That I am content with the way things are. I tell myself that I don’t need you, or anyone in order to enjoy life. I tell myself that the smile on my lips is not forced. That I can live another day feeling just as happy as my days were with you.

Please, let me lie to myself. Let me chase away the pain with these false words to myself...

==================================================================================
Hope you liked it. Reviews would be awesometastic. I'm always looking to improve my writing. And for people to inflate my ego. :D

==================================================================================

I made an audio for this fic. My first audio fic! Yays!
Link: http://www.zshare.net/audio/82948903f2dbff4f/
Link2: http://rapidshare.com/files/432159805/LetMeLieToMyself.wav

I play Shizuru while Hollowed played Natsuki. :D

This is a lot more polished than the last time i saw it. I really like how it draws you into her thoughts now

zanekal1 wrote:This is a lot more polished than the last time i saw it. I really like how it draws you into her thoughts now

I completely agree, it's very deep. The audio is one to savor. I've heard Cathy's awesome deep voice before, Dye's voice is relaxing and powerful as Shizuru. You two ever considered doing Mai-Multiverse audio dramas? Bring your fanfics to life in a whole new way. :D

lol. thank you luu.

we'll see how future fics go. multi-chapter fics would be a pain to voice record though... >.>;;

I actually I have no words for this O_O It was so good. I listened to it while reading it, too. I loved how you read it, dye O_O It was like you were Shizuru.

Thank you for this *bows*

Interesting and funny how you say "Natsuki" btw. XD

Kino karutta-chan wrote:Interesting and funny how you say "Natsuki" btw. XD

Is that not the way it's said? ;p



Dub Shizuru says it too. OoO

Why should I care about dub Shizuru?? o_O

what happened next? lol

Kino karutta-chan wrote:Why should I care about dub Shizuru?? o_O

Uh, because I'm comparing how much better Dye's performance is?